“We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them”  – Albert Einstein

Today’s post is about love, and why it seems to be the world’s maxim to grimace when we hear things like that. I find the elusiveness kind of intriguing. Love is a concept that transcends age, cultural background, gender etc and is something universal every person can identify with. Yet we trend away from really talking about what it means to us individually and collectively. When I acknowledged my truth around what love meant to me, it became virtually impossible to put that genie back in the bottle, and it helped me immensely. When I say “my truth”, I mean what I acknowledge as being valid and authentic. I believe every person has their own truth and there may be more than one in any given situation.

I’m not just taking above love in a romantic sense. I’m also talking about the love we have for ourselves. One of my greatest truths, was admitting that love towards myself and others made me feel extremely vulnerable and it scared me. I then realized it was actually super common for people to perceive love in the same way I did, as a vulnerability. Love can also be perceived as a weakness because you’re letting your “guard down”. There is a risk of personal failure because you’re admitting you care for something and you tried. Whether it be admitting you love another person, you love a specific appearance for yourself, you love feeling sharp 100% of the time, you love having clear skin, you love having energy to go out and be social, whatever it may be.

In a health context, a lot of “health solutions” play on our insecurities intentionally, which can make us feel like we need to change because we’re not good enough the way we are anymore. It can trigger wanting a quick fix because we just want to feel better about ourselves. So we search for a “10 day weight loss detox” or enter into a crazy workout regime to get back on track. This sort of behaviour can also be triggered by an imbalance that has just occurred. Whether due to a lack of exercise for an extended period of time and / or overeating. My problem with this is that the motivation to change is derived from a place of hatred instead of love. Instead of loving the person we are, admitting we also want to be the best version of that person, and enjoying the progress in getting there, we almost require that “rock-bottom” feeling to stimulate enough hatred to force us to act on our greatest desires. Our strength, is literally drawn from hatred, because love provokes too much vulnerability. But here’s the thing, drawing strength from hatred never actually works and you will be so unhappy when trying. Generally speaking, the pattern goes like this: goal setting, progress, results, maintenance, pack-peddling, previous behaviours resumed. The back-peddling is the first slip up, the “fuck it” moments. These occur because in the back of your head you know you have made progress and no longer have the hatred fuelling behaviour, so you loosen the reins for yourself and little and thus, reacquaint yourself with previous patterns of behaviour. It’s so important to recognize if this pattern is occurring because without change coming from a positive place, you won’t have a sustainable positive outcome and will continue to yo-yo.

For a lot of people, they almost don’t know who they are without the hatred. It’s been there for such a long time it has become engrained into who they are. For this reason, we need to recognize the pattern and disassociate. Everyone deserves to be happy for all the right reasons and believing that is possible is the first step. When you see results, remind yourself how hard you worked and how much it means to you. If you feel strange because you no longer have that voice of hatred, fill the void with something positive as a distraction. i.e if you’re at home, knowing you’re feeling pretty good about the way things are going, you’ve worked out that day, eaten well etc… if you’re mind wanders to a place of self-sabotage. Instead of picking up the potato chips, pick up a book or go for a walk and listen to an interesting podcast. Replace negative thoughts with positive acts. Get familiar with the new you, and embrace all the mental clarity that new person has to offer.

There is a distinct tension between loving and accepting ourselves and others, and also wanting to create the absolute best possible version, particularly for the Type-A’s out there. But one doesn’t have to preclude the other. We can accept our limitations and still strive to improve as long as we are okay with admitting that and being a little vulnerable in the process. Strength comes from vulnerability. Saying things like “I don’t know”, “I’m sorry”, “I was wrong” and “Thank you” literally gives you the courage you need because it opens you up authentically to the experience. This is the moment where you will evolve as a person. If we all learn to accept the things we can’t change, and work on our courage to change the things we can, we can use our strength to break down some of our barriers and create long-term positive change.

Love is as much complicated as it is fragile. We are basically saying “I love you, as long as you adhere to a series of conditions” and “I love myself, as long as I don’t make a mistake”. Sounds pretty harsh, right? But here’s the thing, behind every criticism is a wish. It’s okay to just ask for what you want. Whether you’re asking yourself or another person. Ask with empathy, and don’t forget to add a little humor. It’s important not to sweat the small stuff too frequently.